Consecration and Problem Solving in Marriage

This week, I have taken a greater look at how I communicate and how that affects my marriage and my husband. I try not to use harsh startups, but I know that I am not always successful with that. I think another thing I can improve on is to allow us to take breaks and regroup. Sometimes I think that an issue has to be resolved now or else I won't be able to deal with the emotional turmoil. But according to Gottman, "If your heart rate exceeds 100 beats per minute you won't be able to hear what your spouse is trying to tell you no matter how hard you try. Take a twenty-minute break before continuing" ("The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, p. 180). I will try that tactic next time we are trying to solve a problem and need some time to calm down. 

Another thing that I really want to work on is compromise. At times, I don't think I actually understand where my spouse is coming from. I want to, but maybe I'm not putting in the effort that I need to be. 

Gottman says, "Before you try to resolve a conflict, remember that the cornerstone of any compromise is the fourth principle of marriage - accepting influence. This means that for a compromise to work, you can't have a closed mind to your spouse's opinions and desires. You don't have to agree with everything your spouse says or believes, but you have to be honestly open to considering his or her position. That's what accepting influence is really all about. If you find yourself sitting with your arms folded and shaking your head no (or just thinking it) when your spouse is trying to talk out a problem with you, your discussion will never get anywhere"(The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, p. 181).  

As I pondered this quote, I realized that I let my husband say what he feels is important, but I'm not really considering his opinion as an option. So in the end, I'm not really willing to compromise even though I think I am. Next time he speaks his mind, I want really listen to what he's saying and at least be open to considering what he's saying as valid. I believe that will help him fee more respected and validated. 

In the beginning of our marriage, I would talk to my parents often for advice (and sometimes just to complain about my husband). Looking back, I can see how this damaged my relationship with my husband. Although my parents gave good advice and encouraged me to try and see his side too, I realized that talking with my parents about our marriage had boundaries and I wouldn't want him to go talking and complaining to his parents about me. So I learned that in order for our marriage to be strong, I needed to face our issues head on with him, and no one else. 

Gottman explains this principle in regards to parents and in-laws: "An important part of putting your spouse first and building this sense of solidarity is not to tolerate any contempt toward your spouse from your parents" (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, p. 192). My husband comes first, even though I also have a certain loyalty to my parents. I chose to be sealed to him for eternity, and that means something more than just a partner. I am to give all that I have to him, and he is to give all he has to me. Marriage is the perfect place to practice the law of consecration. 

Goddard captures the principle of consecration beautifully in "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage": "There is a better way. We can gladly give our best efforts. We appreciate all that our partners offer. When we have unmet needs, we humbly invite: "I could sure use a hand with putting the kids to bed tonight. Is this something you could help me with?" We give gladly and we receive graciously. Hugh Nibley made this point well: "So the gifts of God are to be received in the same unstinting and joyful spirit in which they are given -- freely, magnanimously, never counting the cost." Rather than carefully tracking every investment in our marriage, we give gladly and wholeheartedly. We give everything we have and are. And we ask God to increase our capacity so we can give yet more" (p. 107).